Christine Duncan

Precepts & Life Preservers

Waiting For The Rain To Stop

I have things to do and places to be, but instead I’m sitting here waiting for the rain to stop.

The dog needs to go out, and it’s pouring. I mean pouring. I would love to hop a bus and run errands but this isn’t your regular spring shower, it’s a deluge. It’s teeming down fat hard drops that have no regard for an umbrella.

Yep, I’ve spent my day waiting for the rain to stop.

Outside my window.

And inside my soul.

The rain storm there is even more apt to put a hold on life.

After a week of no sleep and a busy weekend, certain parts of the chronic D started moving in, like the big heavy clouds did outside.

Those of you with any mood disorder will know this feeling. But I want to break it down for everyone else. Because being aware means you’ll be a great support to someone else, and have some awareness.

The most common, which I mention here, are clouds of restlessness, despair, futility, and sadness. Overwhelming and unstoppable.

And these clouds are so familiar to me now, I can spot them a mile away. All I can do is hunker down and pray that He’ll be with me while and if it lasts.  Sometimes, some of us have moments of a funk, even as mentally healthy people, and feel all these things too. And it’s never fun.

And the Dysthymic rain falls. The brain and body fog rolls in.

And like the rain pouring down in mighty sheets, my symptoms pour down over me, trapping me for a while as it dumps.

The restlessness. If you’ve never felt this variety of dysthymic intensity, let me tell you. It causes one to need to get away desperately, to need to run away, to change something, anything, about where you are, as if leaving or moving will leave the clinging feelings of depression behind. But then you get away, and it comes with you. And now you are confused, need to return to where you were cause you can’t move with the weight of the symptoms on your brain. Back and forth. Back and forth. What do you do?

And it’s a cycle.

And the restlessness feeds other things. Failure because you can’t shake it. Lack of focus because it has you distracted and disturbed. Guilt because there are things you should be doing instead of breaking down bit by bit.

Despair. We all feel despair at times, when something goes wrong, when something hard happens, our finances flop, our family faces issues we weren’t ready for. That’s normal.

But this other despair. It disables. You feel a disconnect from everything. And it blinds and deafens you. You walk past your Bible without seeing it. You can’t hear the friend that says they’re there for you or praying. And forget hearing God himself many times.

Leaving the house seems futile. Eating is not even on the radar. And pleasant things you normally welcome have this underlying pressure to accept them and pretend it’s good, when they really just seem like something else you can’t deal with and it all becomes emotionally and spiritually and physically exhausting.

And usually, for the chronic sufferer, this is always with you. Ever so slightly. It’s the current running underneath the smile and the laugh. Underneath the errands and chores and tasks at work. It’s patient. It waits. It bides its time.

Most times, I can work hard to override it. I can navigate and anticipate and dodge. But sometimes, there’s simply a hard waiting.

And trusting.

And TRUSTING.

And trusting.

Because even though the Dysthymia is blanketing me from everything, I know it doesn’t have the ability to keep a great big mighty God from me.

Somewhere inside all the murky misfiring of my neurotransmitters is my connection to the Father that nothing can come against or sever.

  1. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  -Romans 8:38, 39

And it would like me to think it but God is not stymied by this mood disorder. And He’s present whether I can feel Him or not.

That’s His unshakable promise.

That’s the point of His covenant love.

He's present whether I can feel Him or not. Click To Tweet

And He doesn’t wait for the rain to stop. He is unmovable within the downpour. He doesn’t think twice about the obstacle. But He shelters while the rain comes. He covers with His mighty wings to shield. He folds us into His generous and gentle and magnificent palm and rides it out with us.

The Life Preserver to our rescue, who has never left us.

And the rain may not stop right away. But it has purpose. With every downpour we grow. He reveals new things. We trust this for the physical rain, so why not for the emotional, mental, spiritual rain?

And when all is said and done, His goodness and faithfulness stands. And the proof is in the rainbow flagged across the sky, across the heart.

His symbol of faithfulness to us.

That we’ll never be lost to the storms and the rains again.

Do you believe this? In your situation raining down on you right now?

This is what I hold to myself as I feel that heavy wet blanket of chronic depression approach.

As I wait in this trusting for the rain to stop.

Waiting For The Rain To Stop

15 Comments

  1. Such beauty is woven in your heaviness. I love this ~ “He shelters while the rain comes. He covers with His mighty wings to shield. He folds us into His generous and gentle and magnificent palm and rides it out with us.”
    Praying for you sweet friend,
    Kamea
    PS – I was in the Hammer today getting my daughter’s heart checked at McMaster, and WOW what a downpour – No spring shower indeed!

    • Christine Duncan

      June 8, 2015 at 2:48 PM

      Thanks so much, Kamea… I covet those prayers… just writing for the blog and doing some extra writing to God alleviates the fog bit by bit today. Today is the kinda day where I just cut myself some slack and know that God is still awesome and faithful. We can totally rest there, amen?
      Hope everything is okay with your daughter, MacMaster is an amazing place… and thankfully, the rain outside has stopped for now 😉

  2. A beautiful post Christine. I really enjoyed engaging in the way your faith has been persistent in dealing with your chronic depression. I’m grateful to bare witness to the way God works in your life. I have a sister who also has depression and I’ve had an up close and personal experience with the way it flares up and causes suffering. Thanks for sharing. You hit the nail on the head when you highlighted God’s unconditional love.

    • Christine Duncan

      June 8, 2015 at 2:53 PM

      Gosh, thanks Walter! I appreciate you saying so. We serve an awesome God!
      My heart goes out to your sister… I pray she continues to be brave and will reach out to you, and the Life Preserver when needed. He alone can withstand the trials life brings.

  3. Such a good post. So good to realize what is happening and remember that the sun will shine again. God bless.

  4. Good morning Christine, my beautiful friend, who can sing like an angel. You have so much to offer and it seems to me that you have come a long way on this journey of life. You are an inspiration to me and to many. Your honesty, humility, along with not being afraid to voice how you feel and think, is one of the keys that God is using you most! Yes, you have an amazing ability of words and how to put them on paper, but its your openness that is going to make the difference. People are going to come to understand they are not alone! They are not crazy! The enemy would like us to believe we are the only one, he wants to isolate us, keep us from talking and communicating with others, but God has a dfferent plan for them and He is using you to open up hearts. God is the remedy, no matter what… thanks again

    • Christine Duncan

      June 10, 2015 at 11:34 AM

      Gosh, Betty, so stinkin’ thankful for you! I pray these words really are reaching into desperate hearts so they know they’re not alone. That’s my heart’s desire with each post. You are such a lovely encourager, and soul warrior. I’m honored to have your friendship 🙂

  5. Christine,
    I struggle with depression too. We have to stand on the Word when we are under attack. Satan would like us to think things will not get better but we serve a God who is all powerful. He always brings me through the other side. Continue to stand on His promises.

    • Christine Duncan

      June 10, 2015 at 11:32 AM

      Yes! His Word unlocks chains and breaks down strongholds! I will stand with you, as we keep running to Him, Mary!
      Thank you for your words, friend. I pray you have an great week, overflowing with blessings!

  6. Christine, while it is true I have no understanding of the big D you speak about and suffer from, I am so blessed to read how you choose to lift Jesus higher and draw Him ever closer to yourself in your times of D. He has come near to you and drawn you up right close to His heart and He is loving this time of nearness with you as He pours Himself into your heart and life. May you be blessed big time!

    • Christine Duncan

      June 11, 2015 at 12:46 PM

      Do you know something Jeannie? I never thought about it much, if He loved my desperate times of nearness… your comment made me pause. After so many years of living with this disorder, you just start assuming He pours himself into you and being your anchor because it’s His job. One can easily forget that He loves that we call out, He never gets tired of it.
      Thank you for reminding me of that. I knew it… but hadn’t acknowledged it in a while.
      Thanks, lady. I really treasure this friendship 🙂 You may have even given me something to blog about!

  7. Abby Breuklander

    June 11, 2015 at 9:26 AM

    Love love and love!! I needed this one today!!

    • Christine Duncan

      June 11, 2015 at 12:47 PM

      Been reading it to my own soul all week, Abby, you’re not alone in that! 😉 Have a terrific day, chickie!

  8. Thank you for writing this post. I recognize a lot. Let’s trust the God of Elijah, who said: “Get up and eat, or your journey will be too much for you.”

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