I have things to do and places to be, but instead I’m sitting here waiting for the rain to stop.
The dog needs to go out, and it’s pouring. I mean pouring. I would love to hop a bus and run errands but this isn’t your regular spring shower, it’s a deluge. It’s teeming down fat hard drops that have no regard for an umbrella.
Yep, I’ve spent my day waiting for the rain to stop.
Outside my window.
And inside my soul.
The rain storm there is even more apt to put a hold on life.
After a week of no sleep and a busy weekend, certain parts of the chronic D started moving in, like the big heavy clouds did outside.
Those of you with any mood disorder will know this feeling. But I want to break it down for everyone else. Because being aware means you’ll be a great support to someone else, and have some awareness.
The most common, which I mention here, are clouds of restlessness, despair, futility, and sadness. Overwhelming and unstoppable.
And these clouds are so familiar to me now, I can spot them a mile away. All I can do is hunker down and pray that He’ll be with me while and if it lasts. Sometimes, some of us have moments of a funk, even as mentally healthy people, and feel all these things too. And it’s never fun.
And the Dysthymic rain falls. The brain and body fog rolls in.
And like the rain pouring down in mighty sheets, my symptoms pour down over me, trapping me for a while as it dumps.
The restlessness. If you’ve never felt this variety of dysthymic intensity, let me tell you. It causes one to need to get away desperately, to need to run away, to change something, anything, about where you are, as if leaving or moving will leave the clinging feelings of depression behind. But then you get away, and it comes with you. And now you are confused, need to return to where you were cause you can’t move with the weight of the symptoms on your brain. Back and forth. Back and forth. What do you do?
And it’s a cycle.
And the restlessness feeds other things. Failure because you can’t shake it. Lack of focus because it has you distracted and disturbed. Guilt because there are things you should be doing instead of breaking down bit by bit.
Despair. We all feel despair at times, when something goes wrong, when something hard happens, our finances flop, our family faces issues we weren’t ready for. That’s normal.
But this other despair. It disables. You feel a disconnect from everything. And it blinds and deafens you. You walk past your Bible without seeing it. You can’t hear the friend that says they’re there for you or praying. And forget hearing God himself many times.
Leaving the house seems futile. Eating is not even on the radar. And pleasant things you normally welcome have this underlying pressure to accept them and pretend it’s good, when they really just seem like something else you can’t deal with and it all becomes emotionally and spiritually and physically exhausting.
And usually, for the chronic sufferer, this is always with you. Ever so slightly. It’s the current running underneath the smile and the laugh. Underneath the errands and chores and tasks at work. It’s patient. It waits. It bides its time.
Most times, I can work hard to override it. I can navigate and anticipate and dodge. But sometimes, there’s simply a hard waiting.
Because even though the Dysthymia is blanketing me from everything, I know it doesn’t have the ability to keep a great big mighty God from me.
Somewhere inside all the murky misfiring of my neurotransmitters is my connection to the Father that nothing can come against or sever.
- For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:38, 39
And it would like me to think it but God is not stymied by this mood disorder. And He’s present whether I can feel Him or not.
That’s His unshakable promise.
That’s the point of His covenant love.He's present whether I can feel Him or not. Click To Tweet
And He doesn’t wait for the rain to stop. He is unmovable within the downpour. He doesn’t think twice about the obstacle. But He shelters while the rain comes. He covers with His mighty wings to shield. He folds us into His generous and gentle and magnificent palm and rides it out with us.
The Life Preserver to our rescue, who has never left us.
And the rain may not stop right away. But it has purpose. With every downpour we grow. He reveals new things. We trust this for the physical rain, so why not for the emotional, mental, spiritual rain?
And when all is said and done, His goodness and faithfulness stands. And the proof is in the rainbow flagged across the sky, across the heart.
His symbol of faithfulness to us.
That we’ll never be lost to the storms and the rains again.
Do you believe this? In your situation raining down on you right now?
This is what I hold to myself as I feel that heavy wet blanket of chronic depression approach.
As I wait in this trusting for the rain to stop.